


Marry Me

by vampirewithbedsidemanners



Series: The Hiddlestons [5]
Category: Tom Hiddleston- Fandom, hiddlestoners
Genre: F/M, Tumble series, Tumblr, i apologiz in advance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-11
Updated: 2015-02-12
Packaged: 2018-03-11 21:44:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3333962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vampirewithbedsidemanners/pseuds/vampirewithbedsidemanners





	1. Crossing Lines

“She loves you more than she hates herself. That is what keeps her fighting. Her worst nightmare is seeing you in pain; that is why she comes home. She can't just stop; she has a world to save.” Maddison turned, leaving him sitting at the kitchen counter. He turned the ring box over in his hands again.

* * *

_Em stood in the middle of the living room, limp. There was no fight in her eyes, no flame, no fire. In the glaze of her eyes he could see the reflection of his own flame; his love that was burning him alive._

_“Damn it… Em… I can’t live without you and I can’t live like this! Day to day, not knowing if you’re… Damn it. I can’t lose you, I can’t sit here and watch you leave knowing that every time you walk out that door may be the last time I ever see you.”_

_She dropped her gaze. “Okay.” Her voice was a whisper; so soft it was barely there. She took a step, and then another, each felt like she was climbing Everest and falling through space all at once. He turned his head away from her as she passed, unaware of the thoughts that flew through her mind faster than she had ever flown. Faster than she could grasp._

_She was 6, standing at the gates to the camp. “Everything you are belongs to us.” The soldier screamed at her, beating her down._

_“Love is for those too weak to leave it all behind.” “Love is a lie. Run while you still can; the grave is far more forgiving.”_

_The short distance to the door felt foreign to her. It felt wrong. Walking through this place that was not hers, carrying this heart that was not hers._

_“You were not made to love.” She opened the door._

_He didn't come after her, didn't try and stop her. She left, each step away from his home that she could never share hit her like lead. Every memory she had; their midnight strolls, their tender kisses and sweet words, their love that was never real, just another chemical reaction._

_She stopped at a trashcan along the side of the road, pulling out her phone. The home screen was a picture of them, from the week she visited him at filming. He had pulled her into his arms, insisting on capturing the moment. He had set it as her background. He had left his mark here, the way he had left one on her slowly freezing heart. “Good bye.” She whispered, letting the phone and all its memories fall into the trash. She would burn this mark from her heart, his memory from her mind, before she ever had a chance to hurt him._

* * *

He felt sick. His phone sat uselessly on the countertop. _She was gone._ It had been two weeks. He had called her, over and over. He called everyone she introduced him to. He walked London a hundred times, looking for her; praying he would catch a glimpse of her. _Nothing._

The ring box sat beside his phone, untouched. He couldn't sleep; couldn't eat. He sat there, calling her phone just to hear her voice message, replaying that night over and over in his mind _. Okay._ That is all she said. _Okay. Okay… Okay… he should have chased after her when he had the chance._ Silent tears rolled down his cheeks.

* * *

_“Thank you.” She whispered, not trusting her own voice. The lady at the hotel gave her a soft, kind look that did nothing but scratch at the slowly healing gash in her heart, as she handed her the key to her room. 201._

_It was small, uncomfortably small. She didn't care. She was here to disappear, not relax. She set her bag down on the bathroom counter. Hair dye, glasses, scissors, clothes, burn phone._ _She picked up the scissors, gathering her long brown curls in one hand. She placed the blade to them._

_He loved her hair, her long brown hair. She promised to leave it long, just for him. Now she was cutting it, just for him. She stared in the mirror, frozen. Every cell in her body screamed at her to run back to his arms. But what then? She was not made for love. She was a soldier. She was the worst kind of soldier. How many times had she died? How many names had she taken? How many scars marked her body? How much red stained her ledger?_

_She could see the villages she couldn’t save burning in her eyes. The girl in the mirror; the reflection of this shell she wore. She could see them all. The children, the woman, the blood. She could see the weapons, the planes, the metal crates and concrete cages. She could feel the bite of the bullet as it pierced her skin. She could feel the cold of war burrowing back into her bones…_

_Her long hair fell in heaps on the bathroom floor._

* * *

3 weeks. It had been 3 weeks. She wasn’t coming back. He crossed a line that he knew he should have stayed far away from. _She is gone. Just like that. Running to protect you from the monster she thinks she is. Because you couldn't live with it._ The vodka just wasn’t cutting it anymore. The ache in his chest spread, no longer numbed by the alcohol. Everything was blurry, the world swimming around him. _I fucked up._ He thought, pulling the bottle to his lips. Darkness danced around the edge of his vision.

All he could see was her, standing in the middle of their living room. _Broken._ He broke her. He made her leave. He made her believe that he couldn’t handle her not being here. He made her leave him just like that, leave him before he had a chance to make her his, to put a ring on her finger.

The ring felt far too heavy in his hands for one simple metal band and black box. He didn't know when he started falling, he only knew that he was on the ground. The cold wood felt good against his skin. He couldn't move, he just layed there. Her face danced in his vision as the darkness took him away. _Emma…_

* * *

“ _Em… You have to come back…” Maddison ran her fingers through her hair, praying that Em hadn’t dumped this number already. She had got the call from Tom’s sister that he was in the hospital not half an hour ago. Em wasn't answering. “Em, Tom’s in the hospital. He’s still out. You need to come back. Whatever you are protecting him from is not half as bad as what he has done to himself… Central. Room 322. 4th floor.”_

_She hung up. Em waited for the voicemail notification to pop up. A moment after the call ended, it came. She listened to the message, her face never changing. She didn't move, even after it ended. Fear seized her heart. Is this love? Is this what it does?_

* * *

The steady beeping of the heart monitor was the first sound to cut through the darkness. His eyes opened slowly to the dark hospital room. It was night out, he could see the sky through the open blinds. Everything was blurred, falling in and out of darkness.

At the foot of the bed stood a figure. Not a doctor, or nurse, he realized as the darkness took his vision once more.

When he came back she was there. His angel. Her hair was short and black, her eyes hollow. He stared up at her, willing her to be real. A small, sad smile tugged at her lips.

“I love you.” She whispered, her lips barely moving. He wanted to respond, but couldn't. Her eyes were stuck on his. So sad. So lost. _I love you. I love you._ He chanted over and over in his head. She reached out a hand to brush his cheek, a tear rolling down hers. Her lips parted as if she was about to speak. The darkness got there first. _No… No… Don't leave me… Please._

When he woke in the morning, the nurse told him it was just a dream. There was no one here last night.


	2. Come Tomorrows Light

_Emma sat on the couch in the living room, curled up into a ball. Tom crept quietly down the spiral staircase, trying to hide himself as much as possible. He loved to watch her read, especially when she thought no one was looking. Her lips tugged up in a smile as she turned a page, and he knew he had been made. Straightening up, he walked the rest of the way down the stairs into the sunken den._

_“Good morning.” She said quietly, taking him in. The early morning light danced across his bare skin, shading in every line on his chest. His pants hung off his hips in that way that drove her mad. He slowly walked over to her, grinning as she set her book to the side._

_“Good morning, Darling.” He sat down next to her on the couch, becoming aware of the soft music playing in the background. It was a language he didn't understand; maybe Korean, or Japanese. He couldn’t tell. It was pleasant, happy even. He looked over at Emma, who was mouthing the words to the song, half hiding behind her knees. “You can sing if you want.” He said, unable to keep the smile off his face._

_“Nee Darling, Nee Darling…” She sang along, uncurling and sliding up to him. She leaned in, the words flowing off her tongue as if she had been speaking that language her whole life. She pressed her forehead to his, as his arms circled around her, pressing her body to his bare skin. She placed a soft kiss on the tip of his nose, pulling away from him as the song ended._

_“Breakfast?” She asked, hopping up and starting out into the kitchen._

_“Are you on the menu?” He asked, catching up to her in three long strides and capturing her in his arms._

_“Thomas!” She scolded playfully, batting at his arms. “No, but I can make you chicken in a basket.” She wiggled around in her arms until she was facing him, her small hands splayed out across his chest as she stared up at him. It was enough to make him weak at the knees, this beautiful woman staring up at him, curled into his chest, standing in the hall between the kitchen and the den. This woman with grey eyes whose smile lit up the world. This woman who mumbled “I love you” in 14 different languages into his neck after a long night of exploration. This woman who still, despite being jetlagged and denied sleep, still gets up in the morning and tries to make him breakfast._

_“I just want you.” Tom whispered, sliding one hand up to the back of her head and pulling her lips up to his. She melted into him, all thoughts of breakfast forgotten as he deepened the kiss, his fingers rooted in her hair. He started walking backwards, pulling her back into the den as she giggled against his searing kiss. He felt along the ledge and stepped down, bringing himself nearly eye level with her, not breaking their kiss once._

_His hands slid along her back, around her ass, pulling her hips into him. With his right hand he hooked her knee, bringing her leg up around his waist. She groaned against his lips as she brought her other leg up, his hands flying to her ass as he started moving back over to the couch._

_“Thomas…” She moaned his name as he sat them down. She could feel his erection pressing into her thigh through the thin fabric of his pants, his hands running over her skin, dipping under her shorts._

_"Emma..." He ran his fingers through her hair, gently tugging her head back as his lips left hers to explore her throat._

_She was intoxicating. She tasted like strawberry and vanilla. He nipped at her skin, causing her to roll her hips into his erection. He wanted her. There, then. He wanted to hear his name on her lips, to feel her shudder in his arms in pleasure. He wanted to feel her, taste her, devour her every whimper. His lips crashed on hers again, urgent, desperate._

_He dipped into her pajama shorts, pushing her panties aside to give his long fingers access to her. He held her hips in place as he tortured her with his fingers, drawing her closer and closer to her release._

_"THOMAS!!!" She cried as she clenched around his fingers. He lifted her up, sliding his fingers from her as she came down. He tugged his pants, letting himself free and positioned it at her entrance. She shuddered in his arms, pressing kisses to his skin as he thrust into her._

_Yes. This was much better than breakfast._

Tom sat on the couch in the den, his elbows resting on his knees. He couldn't feel anything anymore, he was just numb. His mind played the last few months over and over again in his head, stopping just before they fought to play it all over again. He couldn't bear to think of the ‘what ifs’, the possibilities of that night. This was his reality now, a reality that had no happy ending.

His sister left some time ago, he heard her go. She kissed the top of his head and begged him to sleep before she went home. He was going to let her down too, it seemed.

_“Em… Em, Darling you're safe… You're here.” Tom repeated over and over again into her hair as she went limp in his arms. “It was just a bad dream, that's all.” He whispered as she buried her face in his chest. It was too dark to see, so he wound his arms tighter around her and let his eyes shut._

_“I’m sorry…” She whispered into the skin at his sternum, her hot breath washing over his skin._

_“Don’t be. Is it something you can talk about.” She shifted in his arms and he knew that was a no to his question, so he let it go. She had led a life that he could never understand, could never be a part of for his own safety. There would always be secrets she had to keep._

_“I love you.” She whispered. It was soft and painful, full of confusion and doubt. He pressed his lips to her hair._

_“Whatever secrets you have to keep, I will always be here to chase away your nightmares. I love you.” He replied. Her lips found his and he sank into her searing kiss, laced with all the memories she could never share and all the pain it caused her. “I am never going to let you go.”_

* * *

 

Emma stood behind her desk, staring out the tall window that overlooked London. What was she now? A compromised soldier? She let herself love this simple, free-spirited man. This shining light of joy. But what was she? She was the monster that children read about in books. She was an empty shell and a gun operating on orders without question. She fought the good guys, tricked the bad ones, let innocents die for the sake of self-purposed missions. She wasn't even human anymore... 

_“Will you move in with me.” Tom asked as he drew patterns in the bubbles on her arms. They were sitting in the bath, her back pressed to his front. The room was steamy, weighing down her hair and making it stick to her face as she turned over to face him, brushing generously over his skin._

_“Here?” She asked, leaning in and pressing her lips to his shoulder. Her whole body was tense._

_“If you’ll have it.”_

_“You don't even know me.” her voice came out in a whisper as it betrayed her only fear._

_“I would gladly take this life to change that.” He smiled, his hand resuming drawing shapes on her skin. “Come live with me and be my love, and we will all these pleasures prove…” He recited. She laughed against his skin._

_“Yes… For you.”_

The reality came flooding back as the door to the office swung open. She had served with Maddison long enough to know when she entered the room. They trained together, fought on the front lines side by side. She was her voice of reason and her most reliable ally.

"What the Fuck is this?" She was mad. Em could tell that much. Madison's voice was smooth and cold and cutting. It was the voice she reserved for interrogations. Em could hear the spark of fight in her words. When she turned, Maddison was the ever composed soldier they had been trained to be, and she was livid. "You're running away to Russia."

"I'm not running anywhere, I'm doing my job."

"Your job? Really, is that what this is. You have been avoiding Russia for a year and a half and now you just get up and decide to help."

"I have my reasons."

"Yeah, well you just put your _reason_ in the hospital." Maddison threw the order sheet down on the desk, refusing to meet Em's gaze. "Em. You need to go back to him. I'm not going to let you live like this..." Maddison looked up slowly, her eyes full of some unnamed emotion. 

"You know why I can't stay." Em sighed, reaching out, tracing her fingers across the edge of the desk. "Do you remember..." Her voice dropped to a whisper.

Maddison nodded. "How can I forget..." 

"Everyone I love gets hurt, I won't do that to him." Em turned around, staring out the window once more. 

"and if you walk away, you'll kill him." Maddison's voice was a soft plea, pulling at the edges of reason.

She couldn't go back; there was no back. In the back of her mind she could see the look on his face as he yelled at her. _I cant live without you and I can't live like this!_  He struggled against himself, against his better judgment. But she could see it. He couldn't live without her, he couldn't live on if she died. If she left he would never know, he would never get that call. He would never go through what her mother went through, her brother and friends. She would protect him from herself. That is why she left.

"He's gotten too attached to me... It's not good for him." Em said, her knuckles turning white as she fought her own emotions. "My orders are set, I leave at first light."

"If I were you, I would make the most of tonight." Maddison left her standing in the office, hanging on her suggestion. The lights of London dotted the horizon, lighting up the night.  _You owe him goodbye._

 

 

 

 


	3. Yes

His hands snaked up to his lips, drumming across the. They were chapped and cold. He was cold. Something shifted in his peripheral vision, and he forced his gaze away from his lingering vision of her in their den to the motion.

Em stood in the doorway, out of place in their home. It was a shock to see her there, now. She didn't look at home the way she used to. She stood like a soldier; strong, unattached, unaffected. _It's the only way she can be..._ He realized. A fresh wave of pain washed through him, breaking through the numbness inside. The only sign he showed was the single tear that fell across his cheek. 

"May I?" She asked softly. He couldn't speak, couldn't form words anymore. Slowly, he forced himself to nod at her. She sat down next to him, reaching out a hand. It hovered over his cheek, suspended in the air. Her eyes begged him to close the gap she couldn't bear to.

His eyes fell closed as he leaned into her touch. _She is leaving me._ He thought, breathing deeply, trying to keep the tears at bay. It was much harder to put on an act when his heart was breaking. 

"What have I done..." She whispered, her voice broken by soft sobs. He felt her move closer, her lips brushing his tear stained cheeks. "Thomas..." She pressed her hand more firmly to his cheek, as if she was willing him to look at her.

* * *

 

_She stood at the end of his bed. The sound of the machines was deafening in the silence of the room. Tom laid in bed, hooked up to all sorts of machines, his breathing even, broken only by his strangled cries and her name._

_The nurse hadn't seen her come in, and it was only a matter of time before they came to check on him. She had to be gone before then. Cautiously, she moved forward, taking the empty chair beside his bed where close friends, maybe Luke or Chris, had most likely sat in today, visiting with Tom while he recovered._

_"Emma... Em... Please..." He cried in his sleep. The words pierced her shell and she sank into the chair, staring at the shell of her heart, lying on the bed._

_Because she was the monster that put him there..._

_Because she tried to protect him..._

_Because she would always fail..._

_Reality began to sink in on her, suffocating her. She had taken this beautiful man, this beacon of light and hope and joy and destroyed him. She called him hers and snuffed out his light, scar by scar. She left him. Her heart constricted as all her memories of them, all her happy memories came rushing back, choking her._

_Soldiers are not made to love... and then she was six years old, the weight of the shotgun almost to much for her as she lined it up... the boy screamed, but she did not hear him over the roar... She was fifteen, curled naked in silk sheets beside the body of a diplomat, a bullet in his head... she was twenty... the children in camo... the LRA marching... she lines up her shot... 26 child size graves are dug by morning, and by the next day forgotten... Soldiers are not made to love._

_But she did._

_Because he was the light in the never ending darkness..._

_Because she wanted to be happy for once..._

_Quietly she placed her hands protectively over her stomach, looking at her angel. Could she even call him hers? Call him hers after the way she broke him? She found her feet and stood slowly._

_"Em..." he groaned in his sleep, pain laced in that sole syllable._

_"I love you." She whispered, touching his cheek softly. He stirred, looking up at her before his eyes closed once more. "I am so sorry."_

_With that she left, her broken heart barely beating in her chest._

* * *

 

"Tom... Please..." She begged softly, begged for him to look at her.

"Emma..." He sighed, giving into her and looking up to meet her gaze, his heart breaking all over again.

"I... I love you." There was nothing else to say. Her thumbs caressed his cheek, tenderly, the way she had so many times before. Tom leaned into her, his blue eyes searching her face. Only this time it was different; this time was the last time. He could feel it, the finality of it. This is where they ended, sitting on this couch, her thumb caressing his cheek.

She looked different with her hair like that. Short and black. It made her skin paler by contrast, so pale she glowed. He could almost picture her dark wings spread out behind her. _An angel. A dark angel... That once was his._

"I'm sorry" He whispered.

She looked terrified, her eyes wide as she looked at him, watched him break all over again, break where there was nothing left to break.

"Thomas... love... please..." She didn't even know what she was asking for, what she was saying.

It was too much. The last time she stood in this room she left him, left him before he could make her his. "Marry me." He choked out. He couldn't watch her walk out of this room again.

She closed her eyes, pressing her lips to his forehead, pulling his broken, shaking form into her arms and cradling his head against her chest. "I will always love you." She sounded desolate, even to her own ears. He shuddered. finding the will to move long enough to fish the ring box out of his pocket.

"Marry Me, Emma." He begged, opening the box and holding it up. He slid from beside her on the couch to the floor, not breaking contact with her once. She looked at him with wide eyes for a moment, then reached up, closing the box with her hand and pressing it into his palm.

 _Is this no?_ He didn't think he could feel anymore pain, until he shattered. His eyes fell closed, tears flowing freely now. Everything hurt; his heart, his head... all he could feel was pain and the pressure of the ring box pressed between their hands. The world spun; he felt sick. He was going to have to watch her walk out again.

 _Did she ever love me?_  there was not enough air anymore. He was drowning, and burning and falling and freezing. He was dying from the inside out, all his love being ripped from him, cut out with a rusty dagger...

"Yes." 

* * *

Emma woke up too warm, the first rays of daylight lit upon the sky. The pain she had felt every night for the last 3 weeks was gone, replaced by a gentle warmth, easing away the soreness. She could feel the length of his naked body pressed against hers, his arms and legs wrapped around her. 

"Thomas." She whispered, gently pulling up one of her hands to brush a curl out of his face. He felt her move and held her tighter, burrowing his face into her neck. "Thomas... please love, wake up." She tried again, planting a soft kiss on his lips.

"Emma..." His eyes opened slowly and he stared at her, as if he didn't believe she was real. His lips crashed into hers, his arms pulling her tighter against him as she returned his kiss. 

There was no air between them, no space. She could not tell where she ended and he began, but that no longer mattered.

Because they were one.

Because she was the soldier that loved, and he the angel that fell.

* * *

**_"Em, its me. Don't go to Russia. Whatever you do. Its not safe there! Puti-"_ Maddison shouted into the phone as they advanced on her. **

**She held up her broken arms in a feeble defense, the butt of the gun cracking into her skull.**

 


End file.
